


The Porpoise of Life

by MyDiamondsAreBees



Category: Porpoise
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-23
Updated: 2014-09-23
Packaged: 2018-02-18 13:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2350751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyDiamondsAreBees/pseuds/MyDiamondsAreBees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A porpoise enthusiast lives his life and dies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Porpoise of Life

The Porpoise of Life  
  
Dr. Edgar Hamilton graduated from Eckerd College in the year 1989 with a doctorate in Marine Biology. Since Dr. Hamilton was a young child, he had been enraged by the fact that people commonly mistake porpoises and dolphins as the same creature. Sailors almost always call dolphins “porpoises.” This really rustled Dr. Hamilton’s jimmies. Whenever he heard someone make the mistake that he loathed, he said, “Fool! What are you doing!? Fool! Stop!” People began to worry about his mental stability. People began to throw rocks and sticks at him wherever he went. Eventually, Dr. Hamilton moved to New York and tried to forget his issues with the common, porpoise-identification mistake that too many people make. In 1998, he could hold back his feelings no longer.  
  
On September 27th of the year 1998, Dr. Hamilton bought a van and painted porpoises all over it. He drove the van out of his driveway and sped down the residential street that he lived on. He drove into New York City and did not stop. He did not stop for red lights, he did not stop for pedestrians, he did not stop for anything. Dr. Hamilton had quite literally become insane due to his porpoise obsession.  
  
“OH PORPOISE GODS! I HAVE COME TO VANQUISH THE CONFUSION BETWEEN YOU AND DOLPHINS! THEY WILL CALL ME ‘EDGAR PORPOISE-CHRIST!’” he yelled out the window as he continued his road rage.  
  
The NYPD began receiving emergency calls about “a porpoise lunatic running people over” and sent out some policemen to arrest Dr. Hamilton.  
Dr. Hamilton heard the multiple sirens following him. He turned around and saw four police cars on his tail. His foot became lead on the gas pedal and he rushed forward, almost running another innocent person over.  
  
A news helicopter flew overhead, recording the entire chase. When Dr. Hamilton noticed it, he stuck a rocket propelled grenade out the window and shot down the helicopter. The policemen started shooting at his van from their cars. As the bullets flew through his back window, Dr. Hamilton laughed maniacally. Then, for no reason whatsoever, Dr. Hamilton swerved to the left and crashed directly through the wall of an office building. He stumbled out of his porpoise covered van. The smell of smoke enveloped him and he ran to a stairwell while the office alarms rang in his ears.  
  
As he ran up the stairs without losing breath, he yelled “FOOL!” at anyone that he saw running for an exit. Anyone who came too close to him was kicked in the stomach or punched in the face. People who jumped on him to attack him were shaken off quickly as he ran through the halls and up the stairs. The police chased him up as many flights of stairs as they could before running out of breath.  
  
Dr. Hamilton burst out onto the roof covered in cuts and bruises. He sat on the roof by himself, not listening to the police who were threatening to shoot him if he did not come down.  
  
He said to himself, “Maybe they will understand. Maybe they will get it. Maybe they will learn. Porpoises are not dolphins…porpoises have spade-shaped teeth…dolphins have conical teeth…porpoises –“  
  
The sound of someone pulling the trigger of a gun followed by a loud clap echoed through Dr. Hamilton’s mind as a bullet burst through his stomach. His hand clenched his stomach as blood and gastric acid dripped from the hole that the bullet made in his body. He turned around to see the policeman that shot him. Dr. Hamilton stumbled back in dizziness and fell off the roof. As he body fell, blood showered the street below. He landed with a splat sound. On impact, an explosion of blood and organs covered anyone unfortunate enough to be nearby.  
  
Ten miles offshore from Massachusetts, a porpoise was giving birth. For some odd reason, the porpoise calf was born with an irregularly placed blowhole. Its blowhole was near the stomach area.  
  
Four years later, this porpoise went to a porpoise temple in Atlantis and asked the porpoise gods, Niksh, Shuanhi, and Farnhwa, why his blowhole was irregular. Immediately, bubbles swirled around him. When he looked at the reflection in the bubbles, he saw a wounded man with a bullet hole in his stomach.  
“You were the Porpoise-Christ, Edgar, as a human. Ever since Edgar’s dying day, humans have ceased to mistake dolphins for porpoises and porpoises for dolphins. You are the Messiah of our kind, Edgar, and your legacy will live on for all eternity,” said a loud booming voice. It seemed that no one except Edgar heard the voice. For some strange reason, Edgar felt that the voice told the truth…


End file.
